THE LAWS OF FEMALE BEHAVIOUR:
44 THINGS MEN DON'T KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
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by Harold von Kursk
GQ
Women have always baffled men. They don't think the
same way, we can't understand why they behave the way
they do, and they are far more adept at digging up
emotional weapons of mass destruction than we could
ever imagiine. On top of everything else, their
sexual allure is so overwhelming at times that we are
forever plotting ways of chasing, bedding, and
possessing them. Yet once we have them, we definitely
have serious problems in knowing what to do with them
and how to handle them over the long run. Men may
think they have the upper hand, but ultimately find
themselves being slowly manipulated by the relentless
psychological warfare that women are able to bring to
the battle of the sexes. If that sounds like we're
doomed to a life of perpetual pain and pleasure -
well, yes - it's an essential aspect of our biological
destiny.
But there are ways to ease the strain by seeking a
more Zen-like understanding of the female psyche. We
have to train ourselves to anticipate their irrational
outbursts and deconstruct the complex chaos that
governs a thought process that is inherently
unknowable. As a first step towards training you in
the difficult struggle that lies ahead, the following
44 guidelines offer a window of opportunity to help
men decipher, decrypt, and demystify the elusive women
of our dreams. We must know them before we can conquer
them. Though it will take time to appreciate and apply
these elemental laws of female behaviour, do not
despair if women continue to perplex and befuddle you
- our cause remains just! Viva la revolucion!
BASIC ONTOLOGICAL PRINCIPLES WHICH GOVERN FEMALE
ATTITUDES
1. WOMEN WANT MATERIAL SECURITY
Whatever they may say about love and having a sense of
humour and all the sensitivity nonsense, the quality
women most look for in a man is his ability to provide
them with material comfort, and, if at all possible, a
decent budget for clothes and an au pair girl for the
children. Except for the most independent-minded of
the breed, women definitely don't want to work their
entire life no matter how interesting they claim their
job may be. Ultimately, they want us to be the big
provider. Love, looks, and sexual prowess all come in
a distant second to money.
2. WOMEN LOVE SELF-ASSURED MEN WHO CAN LAUGH AT
THEMSELVES
Being serious and noble-minded and talking about
existential philosophy or why the Euro is so high
versus the U.S. dollar may be signs of your
intelligence and breadth of knowledge, but you will
bore your babe to death. Be loose, be natural, and
never avoid an opportunity to poke some fun at
yourself and show her your underlying self-confidence.
3. WOMEN LOVE MEN WHO KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF THEM
Though feminist ideology has tended to obscure this
fact, women are attracted to and fascinated by men who
can take care of them. Also high on their priority
list are men who can solve problems and take care of
dangerous or confusing situations. Dealing with rude
waiters, calming her hysterical sister or mother, and
getting your bank manager to extend her line of credit
are sure signs that you know how to command respect
and protect your woman.
4. WOMEN LOVE MEN WHO ATTRACT OTHER WOMEN
Though you make not think so at first, most women are
turned on by men whom other women find attractive.
Openly flirting with the pretty girl in the
tight-fitting dress at a party is permissable,
although one should take care not to overdo it or
collect her phone number. A woman's protectionist
instinct will soon start to kick in and her jealousy
hormones will make you all that more desirable in bed
that night.
5. WOMEN MAY BE ATTRACTED TO DANGEROUS MEN, BUT WILL
ULTIMATELY SETTLE FOR SAFE, SMART, & GENTLEMANLY
Women eventually outgrow their attraction to assholes.
Once they've had their fill of the mean guy in the
leather jacket smoking Gitanes, women always come back
to the basic principle of security and who will best
father their children. Forget about the arrogant,
Porsche-driving, suavely lecherous son-of-a-bitch who
picks up girls like flies - women's basic instincts
are conservative and they would rather move in with
the guy who treats them with respect and lavishes them
with attention.
6. ALL WOMEN ARE HIGH-MAINTENANCE ALL THE TIME
Never expect to have a successful relationship where
you feel that you can live your life, she can live
hers, and you can coolly share time together. No, they
want it all. They want your attention, they want your
body, and they expect you to be on call for them
whenever they need you to listen to their problems.
She may say she's independent and doesn't need a man
to look after her - but the truth is that all women
desire men who can be their rock of Gibraltar. (Which
probably explains why they get so mad at us when we
have affairs or let them down in other ways!)
7. STUFF HER WITH CHOCOLATE
You can never go wrong feeding your woman chocolate.
Studies have shown that chocolate activates sources of
sex drive in women's brains and moreover stimulates
enzymes which promote happiness and general sense of
well-being. Women crave chocolate as an antidote to
depression, fatigue, and anxiety and the chemical
properties have an effect similar to that of cocaine,
marijuana, and amphetamines. So think chocolate.
8. WOMEN WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE WOMEN
Never treat a woman like a buddy or best friend. They
want a man who is affectionate, caring, and willing to
invest a ridiculous amount of time in dealing with
their sudden and unexplained shifts in psychological
state of mind. Men who have a healthy sense of
romance and seduction are constantly cited in women's
magazines as being at the top of female preferences
for a partner.
9. IN THE LONG RUN, WOMEN ARE MORE COLD-BLOODED
We should never forget that even though women may
appear emotionally fragile, hysterical, and behave in
a consistently contradictory manner, they are much
tougher than us. Following a break-up, they will use
every weapon at their disposal to take revenge or milk
us out of every penny or emotional penalty that they
think we deserve. So keep that in mind when having
affairs - you may wind up with two women prepared to
hate you for years to come! And while we are weeping
at home wondering why she won't come back to us, she
is already dating some cool guy and trying to
humiliate you.
10. THEY NEVER FORGET
Be prepared to be sitting at a dinner table with
friends and when everything seems wonderful, your
girlfriend brings up the time you cheated on her with
her best friend or sister - five years ago. Don't
think you're ever completely forgiven and remember
that somehow, somewhere, she may be plotting revenge!
TEN MANDATORY CODES OF SEXUAL CONDUCT
11. FOREPLAY - ONCE YOU'VE MASTERED HER CLITORIS, HER
HEART AND MIND WILL FOLLOW
Though every man who doesn't live in Baghdad should
know this by now, women need additional time to build
up to full orgasmic potential. Most surveys have shown
that only 40% of women are able to climax purely
through penile penetration. So irrespective of whether
your dick is salami or sausage sized, women would
rather have a man who can stroke, massage, tongue, and
otherwise stimulate their clitoris and create a fully
lubricated climate prior to penetration. So don't be
shy.
12. SLOW & SENSUAL
Though circumstances and preferences may vary from
time to time and from one woman to another, the vast
majority report to women's magazines that they want
slow, dreamy sex, and slow, gradually accelerating
thrusts rather than hardcore pumping and poking.
13. OF COURSE SHE'D BE HAPPY TO BLOW YOU...
Recent women's surveys reported that 65% of women are
willing to give their boyfriends blow-jobs ONLY if
they receive oral stimulation themselves!
14. WOMEN LOVE TO BE SURPRISED
Women are turned on by the prospect of sudden,
unannounced, unexpected sex (with regular sexual
partners!). So don't be afraid to grab her from behind
when you're in a deserted corner of a museum or
bookshop - she will beg you for more.
15. SLIDE IN ACHINGLY, UNBEARABLY SLOWLY
When your expert oral or manual technique has brought
her to the verge of orgasm, use your penis as a
tantalizing instrument and tease her by entering her
as slowly as you can possibly manage.
16. THEY LOVE TO BE (AND SEE THEMSELVES) ON TOP
Install a wall-to-wall mirror behind your bed. Women
love to watch themselves in action when they're on
top, which is a position they prefer by a 2 to 1
margin over the usual missionary position chiefly
because they can achieve orgasm more easily this way.
So let them have their fun!
17. SEXY UNDERWEAR IS THE GIFT THAT NEVER STOPS
GIVING
The gift of sexy underwear and stockings is an
irrestistable invitation to having hot sex that night.
Women enjoy being treated as irresistable objects of
desire - so show them that you care!
18. DON'T GET STUCK IN 1ST GEAR - BE ADVENTUROUS
Women consistently complain to women's magazines that
most men lack a sense of adventure in bed and tend to
be lazy and stuck on the missionary position. One of
the most intensely stimulating sexual positions is
when she brings her knees to her chin and places her
feet on your chest so that you can penetrate her even
more deeply and with added friction. You can also
teach her the half-straddle position where she puts
one foot above your shoulder while you're lying on
your back and then places the knee of her other
between your legs. This creates maximum friction and
allows her to grind away at you.
19. BREAST WORSHIP - AFTER THE LICKING, SHE'LL KEEP
ON TICKING
Before, during, and after penetration, women love to
have their breasts gently squeezed and fondled, and
their nipples gently licked, nibbled, sucked, teased,
and caressed. Remember though, the emphasis is on the
word GENTLY!
20. THERE'S NO REASON TO QUIT - LEARN TO DOUBLE YOUR
PLEASURE
Since women tend to be multi-orgasmic, their first
orgasm is often only a sign of better things to come
(pardon the pun). So there's no need to quit, roll
over, and fall asleep after you've climaxed. While
your member recovers, use your hands to continue
stimulating her if she so desires, and then prepare to
enter her a second time.
Since men normally require more time to come a second
time, the extended thrusting you will bring to Round 2
will simultaneously enable her to build to an even
more intense orgasm prior to your second ejaculation.
So hang in there, so to speak.
TEN OBSCURE ASPECTS OF FEMALE ANATOMY
21. WOMEN HAVE A SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER SENSE OF SMELL
THAN MEN
Sorry to sound like your mother, but women are often
extraordinarily fussy about bad smells, especially
when it comes to sexual attraction. So pay close
attention to personal hygiene, fresh breath, and clean
sheets.
22. STROKE HER HAIR
Female scalps are far more sensitive than male scalps.
Scientists have determined that persistent stroking of
a woman's hair can lead to the release of significant
amounts of endorphins, the same brain chemical
stimulated by the use of cocaine.
23. STICK THAT TONGUE...IN HER EAR
Studies done through the years confirm that
approximately 20% of women rate the ear as their
(second) third most favourite erogenous zone after the
clitoris and the breast.
24. THE THIGHS HAVE IT
The next most favoured area of stimulation is the
inner thigh.
25. WORK HER BACKSIDE
Medical researchers have found that a lower back
massage can significantly increase blood flow and
sensitivity to the pubic region, resulting in
heightened orgasmic response during sex.
26. LEAVE HER TOES ALONE
A recent men's magazine survey found that over
two-thirds of women disliked having their toes sucked
during sex.
27. TELL HER SHE HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES, BUT HER BREASTS
AREN'T BAD EITHER!
The same survey reported that when it comes to
receiving compliments about their body, 36% of women
said their favourite attribute was their eyes,
followed by breasts 17%, legs 15%, butt, 13%, and
hair, 10%.
28. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL THAT SHE'S FAKING
IT
There are no definite physical signs of female orgasm.
(Nipple erection is a completely unreliable
indicator!) Since women are superb actors, most men
are regularly deceived by women who fake their orgasm
simply to please their partner when they've given up
on any chance of climaxing during a sexual encounter.
(Sex therapists say that men should ask women about
how to help them reach orgasm since most women are
afraid of offending men by critiquing or otherwise
suggesting changes in sexual technique.)
29. PLY HER WITH ALCOHOL
Women become drunk between 25 to 40% faster than men
given the same rate and level of alcohol consumption
and adjusted for body weight. This is due to the fact
that they have far less quantities of the critical
stomach enzyme that breaks down alcohol into
chemically neutral elements.
30. SHOWER THEM WITH KISSES AND HUGS
Female skin is generally more sensitive to the touch
than male skin, and women report a far more profound
physical need to be kissed and cuddled than men and an
overall greater psychological need for affection.
(Women's magazines also consistently report that the
fairer sex has a definite need to be held and caressed
after sex!)
THEY ARE WATCHING US ALL THE TIME - TEN THINGS WOMEN
NEVER FAIL TO NOTICE
31. WOMEN JUDGE MEN BY THE WOMEN IN THEIR LIVES
Try to avoid revealing that you've been dating
21-year-old bargirls and praktikanten at fashion
magazines for the last three years. Also, make no
mention of the fact that your mother is a controlling
society matron and that the last woman you lived with
is still stalking you.
32. NEVER TELL HER "DADDY WANTS TO FUCK!"
Over half of women polled in recent studies report
that they are turned off by men who like to talk dirty
during sex and request unusual sex acts such as
bondage and spanking. Remember that Dennis Hopper's
character in BLUE VELVET who would tell girlfriend/sex
slave Isabella Rossellini "Daddy wants to fuck" was a
raving psychopath.
33. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE EFFECT THE SIGHT OF YOUR
ASS IN A PAIR OF LEVI's MIGHT HAVE ON A WOMAN
34. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE EXTENT TO WHICH WOMEN
APPRECIATE PROPER GROOMING (TRIMMED NAILS, GOOD
HAIRCUT, NO PROTRUDING NOSE HAIR)
35. CAVEMEN HAVE OUTLIVED THEIR USEFULNESS
Body sculpting is an absolute turn-on, but most women
find neanderthal-like thick necks, bulging pecs, and
weightlifter like legs and resulting odd walking style
to be highly unattractive.
36. WOMEN LOVE A SHARP-DRESSED MAN
Women are considerably more style-conscious than we
are. Show a little appreciation of fashion when it
comes to your wardrobe and definitely avoid bad ties,
loud shirts, brown shoes, white socks, and mismatched
clothes.
37. THOUGH THEY SELDOM ADMIT IT, WOMEN HATE IT WHEN
YOU STARE, FLIRT, OR OTHERWISE PAY ATTENTION TO OTHER
ATTRACTIVE WOMEN
38. WOMEN ARE THINKING SEVERAL STEPS AHEAD OF YOU
According to surveys, most women have already made up
their minds to sleep with you long before you've
started plotting ways of convincing her to spend the
night at your place.
39. THEY FIND IT STRANGE IF YOU HAVE A HABIT OF
REFERRING TO YOUR DICK BY ODD NICKNAMES LIKE "FRED",
"BOZO", "DIGGER", "MAX", "EL CABONG" or "DRILLER."
40. WOMEN HATE MACHO PICK-UP LINES, FILTHY
APARTMENTS, AND MEN WHO THREATEN TO THROW THEIR CAT
OUT THE WINDOW.
A FEW PARTING RANDOM OBSERVATIONS ALLUDING TO THE
INHERENT INSCRUTABILITY OF THE FEMALE MIND
41. THE HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE APPLIES TO
WOMEN, TOO
Don't waste time trying to figure out why your
girlfriend behaves the way she does or why she
suddenly needs to spend two hours discussing why she
feels unfulfilled in life or why she feels that you
don't communicate your feelings sufficiently to her.
Smile and nod sympathetically while politely
pretending to listen to her diatribe while thinking
about the first time she gave you a blow-job or how
her sister looked so good in the low-cut dress at her
birthday party last week.
42. WINNING THE LOTTERY, SPARTACUS DEFEATING THE
ROMANS, AND FINDING WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION IN
IRAQ
The odds of the above coming true are far better than
your chances of getting her to agree to let you watch
the Champion's League final instead of taking her to
see "Don Giovanni" with her father's opera tickets in
the third row.
43. WOMEN OCCASIONALLY ENJOY BOUTS OF AGGRESSIVE SEX,
BUT RIPPING OPEN THEIR DOLCE & GABBANA SILK BLOUSE,
DAMAGING THEIR LA PERLA BRA, OR CAUSING A RUN IN THEIR
WOHLFORD STOCKINGS ARE EQUIVALENT TO WAR CRIMES AND
YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.
44. WOMEN LACK THE DRIVING GENE
They honestly don't understand that they are the worst
drivers on earth. Just humour them and save yourself
endless arguments. Remember, you can't win.
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