44 REASONS TO DROP EVERYTHING, CHANGE YOUR LIFE,
AND MOVE TO ICELAND, IMMEDIATELY
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by Harold von Kursk
REYKYAVIK - Iceland is bankrupt! After a decade of boom times, the Icelandic economy has imploded and there will be hard times ahead for the hearty VIking population. But these are not people who are used to whining about their lot in life. On the contrary, Icelanders are a fiercely proud and dynamic people ande they will surely overcome their financial debacle and redeem themselves.
And though you may not ordinarily think of Iceland as a paradise, there are ample grounds to convince you that there is a viable alternative to your high-tech, high-stress, increasingly unsatisfying existence in a world economy tottering on the brink. But if you are fed up of wondering whether you will have a job tomorrow or whether you can meet this month's mortgage payment, Iceland, bleak as it may be, at least offers several spiritual and aesthetic pleasures that no other country can provide.
Given that we are now subjected to increasingly intense pressure on all fronts - the threat of unemployment or personal bankruptcy is compounded by the proliferation of high-maintenance women in our midst - it seems abundantly clear that we deserve a chance to save ourselves from our post-modern oblivion and existential angst.
Though their economy may be in ruins, Iceland remains one of the most
sexually-liberated societies on earth, and surveys confirm that its women are the most ravenous and over-sexed creatures in the western world.
Remember the promises we made to ourselves while we were growing up? The high ideals we embraced in university, our determination not to follow our parents' degenerative bourgeois lifestyle? Can you recall the last time you felt truly free to be your own man and live apart from the collectivising social forces which dry up our humanity?
Wouldn't it be nice to just take off and blow out the years of crap that
have been accumulating in our hearts, minds, and bodies? Isn't it high time to break on through to the other side of the bourgeois dream and liberate
ourselves from the shackles of work, obligation, unsympathetic and increasingly demanding women?
To paraphrase the wisdom of the great American civil rights leader, Martin Luther King Jr., let us be brave enough to dream of a better world and a place where we can be free at last.
Iceland, absurd as it may seem, offers precisely such an alternative path to a better way of being. This geographically isolated island domain has managed to define itself as a rugged breath of fresh air in an era of ideological death and political correctness. Not only is Iceland the world's oldest democracy, but its people have stubbornly maintained their independence from not only their fellow Scandinavian tribes, but from the rest of Europe as well.
The Icelandic language is so pure and authentic to its Viking origins that it is all but incomprehensible even to fellow Scandinavians. Its culture remains
defiantly unique and largely inspired by traditions within its North Atlantic confines. Iceland is such a splendid example of a truly independent nation that it positively exhorts us to pay it tribute to its spirit and its highly sexed national traditions.
In the interests of giving readers fresh hope of a viable alternative to the rat-race of our high mass consumption world - complete with its high-maintenance women and depressingly conformist mass entertainment -
this intrepid existential reporter has decided to catalogue 44 glorious instances which suggest that Iceland is indeed a true source of inspiration.
From its sexually-liberated women to its potent alcoholic brew known as the "black death," from its crystal clear air, water, and environment, to its strong sense of independence, Iceland may well be your last chance to drop everything and change your life. OK, it does get dark for six months at a time, and it is very cold there, and you may get tired of eating fish as a way of life; but remember that even when Gauguin went to Tahiti he found it overrun with French colonial staff and the beginnings of a modern tourist trade!
So allow yourself to luxuriate in the possibility of a life where no one pays attention to the daily misery of the evening newscast, where sex still retains its zest, and where every horizon is clear, blue, and limitless.
THEY WILL BEG, CHASE YOU DOWN THE STREET, POUND ON
YOUR DOOR, AND FLASH THEIR BOOBS UNTIL YOU AGREE TO
HAVE SEX WITH THEM
1. Iceland has the highest proportion of women to men
of any nation in the world, where the female
population outnumbers males by a 3-2 margin. At any
singles bar in Reykyavik (there are only three good
bars, actually), there are usually twice as many women
than men and they aggressively compete over the males
who come in for a drink.
LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD, SO BRING ALONG YOUR PLAYBOOK OR
YOU MIGHT GET DAZED AND CONFUSED
2. According to a Scandinavian research study,
Icelandic women are the most sexually aggressive and
adventurous females of all Nordic nations and actively
enjoy trying out new sexual positions.
BUT THE SEX IS GOOD!
3. In Iceland, the only weapons of mass destruction
are harpoons, six months of darkness, pickled herring,
and boredom.
YOU SHOULD GIVE THE PICKLED HERRING AND THE YEAR-OLD,
DRIED, SALTED REINDEER MEAT A PASS, HOWEVER!
4. Most international gourmets rate Icelandic hotdogs
as the best in the world. Since Iceland has many more
sheep and very few cattle, hot dogs are made from
ground lamb and pork. The typical Icelandic hotdog is
served with rémoulade sauce, fried crisp onions, raw
chopped onions, ketchup and mustard. "I know it sounds
a bit unusual, but they are truly delicious," reported
The New York Times food critic.
DON'T WORRY, THOSE LONG WINTER NIGHTS WON'T SEEM THAT
LONG
5. During the long winters and periods of near total
darkness, sexual activity in Iceland increases by 60%.
Women report heightened sexual desire during the peak
winter period where there are only three hours of
daylight on average and further claim that it helps
relieve depression.
PRAY THAT ONE OF THEM KIDNAPS YOU AND CHAINS YOU TO
HER BED
6. Because of the boorishness and provincial
attitudes of Icelandic men, Icelandic women frequently
travel to Europe with the express aim of having a
foreign affair. Surveys of women's attitudes
similarly show that over 80% of Icelandic women dream
of having sex with non-Icelandic men.
OBVIOUSLY, THE BENEFITS OF FISH AND SEX ADD UP
7. Icelanders have the longest life expectancy of any
people (81.1 yrs compared to 80.7 for the Japanese.)
JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET IT UP
8. Studies show that Icelandic women generally enjoy
a more friendly and positive domestic relationship
with men than in other European nations while men
report a lower incidence of nagging and complaining.
They are, however, extremely demanding when it comes
to sexual frequency.
THE ABSENCE OF NAGGING WOMEN MUST ALSO BE A
CONTRIBUTING FACTOR TO HIGHER LIFE EXPECTANCY
9. Icelanders have the lowest rate of heart disease
in the western world due to their particularly high
fish diet which results in the world's lowest
cholesterol rate. (Icelanders have known for years
that the omega 3 oil contained in fish is a major
contributor to their health.)
IT IS YOUR MORAL DUTY TO HELP RELIEVE THE STRAIN ON
ICELANDIC MEN
10. In Iceland, there are 60,000 single women looking
for mates. One local men's magazine complained of the
"acute paranoia" local males have when going out and
feeling "intense pressure" from aggressive women
pursuing them.
WE ALSO HOPE THAT MADONNA, BRITNEY SPEARS, AND ALL
FORMS OF RAP MUSIC AND HIP-HOP ARE UNDER A SIMILAR
RESTRAINING ORDER
11. In most bars and restaurants in Reykyavik ,
Celine Dion music has been banned!
SLACKERS ARE WELCOME
12. Iceland has the most generous public welfare
system in the world. "The state pays me to exist,"
explains author Hallgrimur Helgason, best selling
Icelandic author of the novel 101 Reykyavik, which was
made into an internationally acclaimed film.
THEY WILL LEAVE YOU WONDERING WHY YOUR PENIS IS SO
SORE WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
13. Icelandic women have a reputation for being able
to outdrink their men and are better able to perform
sexually while intoxicated.
FORGET HEAVEN, PARADISE EXISTS ON EARTH
14. According to European women's magazine polls,
Icelandic women are more apt to perform oral sex than
any other female population amongst western nations
and over 20% consider performing a blow-job to be a
sacred ritual.
NO ONE CARED THAT THE LAST MAYOR OF REYKYAVIK WAS A
COMMUNIST AND A PROMINENT LOCAL BUTCHER
15. In Iceland, politicians are considered socially
inferior to fishermen.
ANOTHER REASON ICELANDERS HAVE SEX MORE OFTEN
16. In Iceland, There are only three TV channels and
one of them shows porn films around the clock.
ICELANDIC WOMEN UNDERSTAND THE TRUE NATURE OF THE MALE
SPECIES
17. Icelandic women have resigned themselves to the
notion that men tend to be be loud, drunk, unreliable,
and irresponsible as a lifestyle choice.
ICELANDIC WOMEN HELP BOOST TOURISM
18. The local men are usually so drunk, unromantic,
and uncommicative, that any male tourist is an
immediate hit with women.
BUT YOU SPEND A LIFETIME SHOVELLING SNOW
19. In Iceland, you don't have to rake the leaves in
the Autumn because in Iceland, there are no trees!
(Iceland is still too young geologically speaking for
anything but bushes to grow naturally.)
ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE IS LITTLE SOCIAL OR PRACTICAL
BENEFIT TO SAVING UP TO BUY A FERRARI OR PORSCHE AND
YOU NEVER EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF GIVING THE FINGER
SALUTE TO FELLOW DRIVERS
20. Icelanders are decidedly uncompetitive when it
comes to cars and racing from stop light to stop
light. Futher, there are no highway speed traps or
speed limits - because there are no highways. (The
country is linked by long two-lane roads.)
IT IS, HOWEVER, ICELANDIC SOCIAL CUSTOM THAT THE
FATHER IS EXPECTED TO GET UP AT 3 AM TO FEED A
SCREAMING BABY
21. The government pays you to have frequent sex (To
stimulate the birth rate, the Icelandic government
offers a tax credit equivalent to 5000 Euros for each
child.
THE MORE THE MERRIER
22. Over 30% of Icelandic women report that they have
engaged in sexual threesomes (i.e. two men and one
man) and that it is often the most enjoyable of sexual
experiences.
ICELANDIC WOMEN ARE HIGHLY EXPRESSIVE AND
ETHICALLY-MINDED
23. Icelandic women believe in full sexual expression
and believe it is their moral duty to have sex as
often as possible.
THEY WON'T MIND IF YOU GIVE THEM AN APPOINTMENT OR
OFFER TO SQUEEZE THEM INTO YOUR WEEK'S SEX SCHEDULE
24. Due to the shortage of eligible males, Icelandic
women openly ask men out and it is considered socially
acceptable to ask men at bars to leave and have sex
that evening.
ANOTHER REASON TO RETREAT TO THE BARS
25. In Iceland, electricity rates are the lowest in
the western world because the country is heated by
naturally occurring geothermal sulphuric gas seeping
up from beneath the surface. Unfortunately, on certain
warm summer days, Reykyavik can smell like rotten
eggs.
FRIDRIK, I WISH TO POINT OUT THAT CUTTING ME OFF IN
TRAFFIC AND PASSING ME WITHOUT SIGNALLING AND THEN
GOING THROUGH THE STOP SIGN IS A SOCIALLY
IRRESPONSIBLE ACT AND I HOPE THAT YOU WILL NOT REPEAT
SUCH POOR DRIVING BEHAVIOUR...
26. It is considered socially unacceptable and
generally vulgar to drive fast or aggressively or
otherwise make obscene gestures or comments even under
difficult traffic conditions.
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY
27. Because of their low numbers (population 350,000)
and long-standing isolation and domestic in-breeding,
almost every Icelander can openly boast of having
several hundred close blood relations, cousins, etc.
Most residents can trace their ancestry back seven or
eight centuries and many leading disease researchers
often come to Iceland because the genetically-pure
population allows for better study of genetic
illnesses.
THEY'VE NEVER HAD A WAR, HAVE VIRTUALLY NO MILITARY,
AND THEIR ONLY MISSILE SYSTEM IS FLYING VODKA BOTTLES
ON FRIDAY NIGHTS
28. Iceland enjoys the longest democratic tradition
of any nation on earth and its parliament dates back
over 1000 years!
LOOK, REINAR, THEY'RE SHOWING PASOLINI'S 100 DAYS OF
SODOMY TONIGHT ON CHANNEL 2
29. Icelanders have a long tradition of watching
foreign films with subtitles and repertory movie
theatres regularly screen classic Nouvelle Vague films
from Truffaut, Rohmer, Chabrol, and Godard as well as
Italian classics from Antonioni and Fellini.
UNFORTUNATELY, A DOZEN ORANGES COSTS 40 EUROS
30. The price of fish in Iceland is the lowest in the
western world due to the natural abundance of fish off
their coastal waters.
THE VODKA ISN'T BAD EITHER
31. The local brand of alcohol favoured by
Icelanders, affectionately known as the "black death,"
is generally considered to be one of the most
debilitating alcoholic beverages with the exception of
absinthe.
SHE'S CONSIDERED A NATIONAL TREASURE DESPITE HER
STRANGE DRESS HABITS AND OCCASIONAL HABIT OF
ASSAULTING JOURNALISTS
32. Björk. Iceland also has a strong tradition of
avant-garde rock and techno bands like Mon, Singapore
Sling and Apparat Organ Quartet.
YOU NEVER HAVE AN ARGUMENT ABOUT WHICH EXIT TO TAKE
33. If you plan on taking a driving tour of Iceland,
you don't need a map because there are only three
highway systems linking the whole country.
THEY WOULD ALSO STICK OUT A MILE IN A CROWD OF TALL,
BLONDE, DRUNKEN ICELANDERS
34. Iceland is too cold for Arab terrorists to
infiltrate and set up a terrorist cell.
IT GIVES YOU MORE TIME TO DRINK AND HAVE SEX
35. Iceland offers employees the most generous
working conditions of any western nation with
seven-week vacations and frequently allow white-collar
workers to take Friday afternoons off.
DATING HABITS FOR ICELANDIC COUPLES ALSO INCLUDE
WATCHING PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEOS WHILE HAVING SEX DURING
LONG WINTER NIGHTS
36. Iceland has the world's highest literacy rate.
THEY'RE GENERALLY TOO DRUNK AT NIGHT TO PAY ANY
ATTENTION IF YOU WANT TO WEAR FUNNY HATS AND PINK
TIGHTS OR WHETHER YOU'RE BEING CHASED DOWN THE STREET
BY SEX-STARVED ICELANDIC WOMEN ON FRIDAY NIGHT
37. Iceland is generally considered to be one of the
most tolerant and laid-back societies in the world
(they are often too drunk to give a damn!)
THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE TO PERFORM, SO DON'T BLOW IT!
38. Surverys show that Icelandic women have a far
higher sexual drive than their men and that most women
do not feel that they are having enough sex.
IMAGINE THE GOOD TIMES THAT AWAIT YOU WHILE DEVOTING
ALL THAT TIME TOWARDS PERFECTING YOUR TECHNIQUE
39. Icelandic women report that they feel foreign men
are better lovers who are more prone to sexual
experimentation than typical Icelandic males.
Icelandic babes crave a man who can quote poetry
between orgasms while servicing them with reckless
abandon. Icelandic women are totally fearless when it
comes to sex, and given their size and strength, you
can allow yourself to be far more sexually aggressive
than you ever dreamed. They adore rough-house,
full-frontal ramming, and will scream with delight if
your acrobatic technique lands them out of bed an onto
the floor. Their robust appearance does take some of
the feminine mystique out of sexual relations with
Icelandic women, but they are tireless performers in
bed and are game for almost everything.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND WILL NEVER BE
ABLE TO TRACK YOU DOWN EITHER!
40. Your old phone and electric utility bills will
never be forwarded to you in Iceland should you
"forget" to pay them before you move.
PEACE, PEACE AT LAST
41. Iceland is such an unknown territory and the
climate is so cold that none of your relatives or
mooching friends will ever visit you! They will assume
you're living in some form of log cabin with seals and
walruses as housepets.
YOU WILL EAT TUNA AND HERRING FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE
42. Thrill to the joys of ice-fishing in Iceland,
famous for some of the best fishing in the world.
NEXT TO HERRING, ICELANDERS LOVE THEIR DRUNKEN ORGIES
43. On warm summer nights, a common party ritual in
some remote regions of Iceland involves groups of men
and women running naked at midnight (midnight sun
prevails in the summer) and frolicking in the sea and
generally engaging in orgiastic beach sex!
YOU'LL ENJOY IT WHEN SHE GIVES YOUR PENIS A MUD
MASSAGE
44. The black lagoon! This is not only one of
Iceland's great tourist attractions, but this
naturally-occuring hot mud pool is also considered
good for one's skin and cited as a cure for psoriasis
and exzema by leading international dermatologists.
The black lagoon is also cited by many Icelandic men
and women as being one of the most erotic places to
have sex.
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